August 4, 2022

11:30 pm, and I haven't been to sleep since yesterday morning, and I feel more energized now than I have all day. Writing and being an author is strenuous brain work. Especially now, with social media, posting, tweeting, likes, and follows. Doing this alone is not for the faint at heart and is very expensive. The dream of "just writing" is now a reality, and you're drowning in a sea of the unknown. Who knew you could self-publish without a company? Why are their promises made with a monetary value attached? How do you learn if you don't know where to start? Always on a learning curve that seems to be the beginning circle of a rabbit hole, you can't find your way out of.
Wanting more than anything to be "seen" by celebrities, agents, or big named publishing companies. Anything to put you on top and make you feel special and wanted. Then it registers that if you get a big named publishing company and they give you a sign-on bonus, your agent wants their piece, travel is not cheap, sleep is a luxury, and now YOU, YOUR book, YOUR words, YOUR "baby," that you poured your heart and soul into, belong to someone else, and they can do with it what they please.
Hoping and praying that what you write will translate well and be adored by the masses. Anticipating that those reading like it. Buy it. Share it. Post about it. To get you to the #1 spot. Begging everyone you come across to "read me" or "check me out". Pleading for good reviews and trying to entice those "on the fence" with specials, coupons, and discounts. Wishing you were home again every night. Missing your "muse" because they're the only one encouraging you, supporting you, holding your hand on release days, and drying your tears when nothing sells.
Worrying that the character concept you came up with won't work and "no one will get the double-entendre" you created. Realizing that you are a guppy in Amazon's ocean of ghostwriters, "real" writers, novelists, click baiters, master classes, journal makers, and the like. Keywords, Tag lines, search phrases, email listings, SEO, websites, networking, formatting, "Merch", pricing, (How much do YOU think you're worth?) "Hey GOOGLE," what does it all mean?
My only wishes were to be seen and let the world know what I've come to offer. For my family to be proud, worry-free, and to become an "overnight" success like many others, I've watched on the big screen. I'm so tired right now, my brain is partly functioning. So here I am, bearing my soul, releasing the words I hold so tightly. Holding my breath and waiting for you to simply, just like me.